A perfect stranger smiles at
you in the elevator as you
make your way to work, she
says: "What a great outfit!
That's a beautiful color,
you have very nice taste."
You stutter, stammer, and
manage a mumbled "Oh,
thanks" as she sails out the
door, having arrived at her
floor. You wonder what that
was all about - nobody says
anything to anybody in an
elevator, and nobody's ever
said anything about your
taste before. You wonder
why, since it was a nice
thing, you're so
uncomfortable - and you
promptly forget about the
interaction as you go about
your day.
You're nervously waiting while your boss gives your latest project the once-over. He nods, says "OK, this'll do," and as you rise to go back to your cubicle, he surprises you with "You have a good mind, you know" before he picks up the phone to answer yet another call. You wonder, "What was that about?" and figure he's probably just patronizing you, whatever, so much for that.
Your sister calls "Did you remember to get a present for Mom's birthday?" "Not yet," you sigh, wondering what do you get someone whose perennial response to gifts is "You spend too much, you shouldn't have." "You're always late with this stuff," your sister complains, "What a procrastinator!" "I'll get to it!" you snap back, "It's not until tomorrow." You hang up the phone, disgruntled and vaguely upset. Her comment eats at you as you kiss the kids good night, watch some late night TV with your husband. "Do you think I'm a procrastinator?" you ask the yawning love of your life. "Hmm? Yes, no, I guess, I dunno - isn't everybody?" he says, "I'm to bed." And off the two of you trundle, he to a blissful night of profound snoring, you to a wakeful night of rigorous obsessing: "Am I really a procrastinator?" You review every possible circumstance in which you could have been procrastinating, finally get up before the alarm exhausted, miserable, and thoroughly upset with yourself.
Now let's review: two compliments and one criticism. You don't trust the compliments, think there's something fishy or shady about them, and dismiss them as something other than truth. You take the criticism, accept it as Gospel, massage it all night, and wake up with a profound conviction that you are scum. What is wrong with this picture?
Fear. Most of us are afraid of accepting compliments, enjoying them, absorbing them deep within ourselves, because we are afraid either that we'll become immodest or arrogant if we believe the good stuff about ourselves, or - and this is often the more hidden, truer fear - that we may have to live up to the compliment. That's why it's so much easier to lend credence to criticism: you don't worry about living up to criticism, you're already there, guilty of whatever sin (major or minor) you've been accused of. But compliments! Oh, my - what if you now had to have good taste all the time? What if you had to demonstrate your "good mind" to your boss on a regular basis? Isn't that what would happen if you said, proudly and happily "Thank you!" to either compliment?
No. That is your fear of what might happen. In truth, when you accept a compliment with grace and enthusiasm, you accept the gift the person has just given you in a way that rewards them for giving you that gift.
The gift is for now, in this moment, something you can then put to use however you wish. "Wow, I never thought about myself as having good taste. Gee, isn't that nice. Maybe I do. I'll let that float around my consciousness and see how it percolates." "He thinks I have a good mind, huh? Well, maybe I do. Maybe I have gotten smarter somewhere along the line. Maybe I can learn more than I thought. Maybe I'll challenge myself to think a little deeper about things, see what happens."
No arrogance, no immodesty, just an opportunity to become more of who you could be--a chance to explore more of your own potential and discover more about you. Now, isn't that worth a joyful "Thank you!"?
You're nervously waiting while your boss gives your latest project the once-over. He nods, says "OK, this'll do," and as you rise to go back to your cubicle, he surprises you with "You have a good mind, you know" before he picks up the phone to answer yet another call. You wonder, "What was that about?" and figure he's probably just patronizing you, whatever, so much for that.
Your sister calls "Did you remember to get a present for Mom's birthday?" "Not yet," you sigh, wondering what do you get someone whose perennial response to gifts is "You spend too much, you shouldn't have." "You're always late with this stuff," your sister complains, "What a procrastinator!" "I'll get to it!" you snap back, "It's not until tomorrow." You hang up the phone, disgruntled and vaguely upset. Her comment eats at you as you kiss the kids good night, watch some late night TV with your husband. "Do you think I'm a procrastinator?" you ask the yawning love of your life. "Hmm? Yes, no, I guess, I dunno - isn't everybody?" he says, "I'm to bed." And off the two of you trundle, he to a blissful night of profound snoring, you to a wakeful night of rigorous obsessing: "Am I really a procrastinator?" You review every possible circumstance in which you could have been procrastinating, finally get up before the alarm exhausted, miserable, and thoroughly upset with yourself.
Now let's review: two compliments and one criticism. You don't trust the compliments, think there's something fishy or shady about them, and dismiss them as something other than truth. You take the criticism, accept it as Gospel, massage it all night, and wake up with a profound conviction that you are scum. What is wrong with this picture?
Fear. Most of us are afraid of accepting compliments, enjoying them, absorbing them deep within ourselves, because we are afraid either that we'll become immodest or arrogant if we believe the good stuff about ourselves, or - and this is often the more hidden, truer fear - that we may have to live up to the compliment. That's why it's so much easier to lend credence to criticism: you don't worry about living up to criticism, you're already there, guilty of whatever sin (major or minor) you've been accused of. But compliments! Oh, my - what if you now had to have good taste all the time? What if you had to demonstrate your "good mind" to your boss on a regular basis? Isn't that what would happen if you said, proudly and happily "Thank you!" to either compliment?
No. That is your fear of what might happen. In truth, when you accept a compliment with grace and enthusiasm, you accept the gift the person has just given you in a way that rewards them for giving you that gift.
The gift is for now, in this moment, something you can then put to use however you wish. "Wow, I never thought about myself as having good taste. Gee, isn't that nice. Maybe I do. I'll let that float around my consciousness and see how it percolates." "He thinks I have a good mind, huh? Well, maybe I do. Maybe I have gotten smarter somewhere along the line. Maybe I can learn more than I thought. Maybe I'll challenge myself to think a little deeper about things, see what happens."
No arrogance, no immodesty, just an opportunity to become more of who you could be--a chance to explore more of your own potential and discover more about you. Now, isn't that worth a joyful "Thank you!"?